Burton’s Wagon Wheels (Are Smaller Than They Used To Be)

In one of my rare non-FAWM outings, I’ve written a new song. A protest song. About biscuits.

Burton’s Wagon Wheels (Are Smaller Than They Used To Be) by Matt Westcott

Burtons Wagon Wheels are smaller than they used to be
They’re taking us for suckers at the biscuit factory
The PR guys deny it, but any fool can see
That Burtons Wagon Wheels are smaller than they used to be

Now the marketers at Burtons would have us all believe
That it’s an artefact of questionable childhood memories
And that we have recollections of eating a confection
Disproportionately larger than our hands

But a moment’s contemplation will expose that as a lie
For if it were so, then clearly it would equally apply
To Penguin biscuits, door handles and other random junk
But you never hear anyone complaining that those things have shrunk

And that’s because
Burtons Wagon Wheels are smaller than they used to be
They’re taking us for suckers at the biscuit factory
The PR guys deny it, but any fool can see
That Burtons Wagon Wheels are smaller than they used to be

The Wagon Wheels you get today have a radius suggestive
of the typical dimensions of a Hob-Nob or digestive
It’s a universal standard, that our ancestors have handed
Down through history across the Western world

But we all know that there was one exception to this scheme
‘Cause otherwise, it makes no sense for it ever to have been
A defining characteristic of the Wagon Wheel at all
On which to question our power of recall…

And was there not a line in Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four
About how chocolate rations are reduced from what they were before?
Big Brother claims that they have risen, and by feat of hypnotism
The population takes him at his word

So don’t let us be duped by this dystopian regime
Rise up to fight against the evil biscuit tyranny
And force them to admit the fact that any fool can see:
That Burtons Wagon Wheels are smaller than they used to be

One Response to “Burton’s Wagon Wheels (Are Smaller Than They Used To Be)”

  1. Dave Cranwell says:

    You really ought to give more recitals at work :P

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